Grrrr. Hiss. Spit. Snarl.

That just about sums me up. I am a cauldron of negative emotions and according to Dr.Joe Dispenza in his book You Are The Placebo, this is not good for my health. He says that uplifting emotions like kindness, joy and gratitude actually help to heal our bodies, while the bad ones make us ill.

There is lots of science to back up what he is saying, but to be honest, I skip those bits in the book as it all goes way over my head. Even so, I know that what he is saying is true, because I am a lot sicker in times of stress and unhappiness. The last time I had flu, which floored me for a month, was in the immediate aftermath of a friend’s funeral.

How do I re-programme myself, so that I become a big bundle of love and stuff? It is possible apparently, but it is going to take a will that is great than the automatic learned behaviours that are now so deeply ingrained into my being, I see them as part of my personality. Me = angry bitch.

I am only half way through the book, so I haven’t yet got to the meditations that are going to help me heal my life, but as I know I already suck at meditation, I am guessing this won’t be easy – or is that just me being all glass half empty again?

Life happens, so I cannot avoid upset, but I would like to be able to deal with it in a conscious and rational way when it comes. Blowing my top over my daughter’s lost Zip card for example, was a pointless exercise. Nobody felt better afterwards and the card remained lost.

On the plus side, I had coffee with a friend who always uplifts me this morning. Note to self – spend more time with people like this as it can only help in the war against rage.

The fact that I haven’t meditated doesn’t help the anger issue, but tonight I am going to a Buddhist meditation class. It will last for an hour and a half and there will be chanting, silent meditation, guided meditation and walking meditation – a feast of meditation, which is exactly what I need right now. Andy would be so proud!