Adding up

There are times when I’m glad I’m not young any more and today is one of them. I am on a train travelling to see my dad and sitting behind me is a very pretty girl in her late teens who is currently discussing maths with a middle-aged bore.

He ran onto the train, immediately sat opposite said gorgeous girl, saw she was doing maths homework and announced that he was great with numbers. He then proceeded to try and solve her equations somewhat clumsily. I am glad that crashing bores no longer try and chat me up, but that’s not the point of this blog.

This girl is smart. She’s talking about X and Y with some authority, yet she’s just revealed that she used to think she was terrible at maths. ‘I woke up one morning and decided to change that. I just didn’t get it, but now I do.’

I don’t know the ins and outs of how she turned herself from dunce to mathematical genius, but the point is, she changed her reality. She refused to accept the person she’d been told she was and became somebody else.

I failed maths GCSE five times (I finally passed it age 37!) and have no desire to become better at it, but I have realised whilst reading You Are The Placebo by Dr.Joe Dispenza that actually, I may not be the angry person I think I am.

Yes, I am losing it on a regular basis, but can I think myself into a new personality? Can I become known as one who exudes inner calm?

Is it a coincidence that I overheard this young girl just as I was reading Dispenza’s book on healing your body and your mind? Or am I just noticing these things more now that they are on my mind? It doesn’t really matter, the fact is, I have set my intention. I’m going to start imagining what it feels like to be a patient, calm and peaceful being. I will meditate on it.

On Tuesday, Marion, my spiritual mentor, asked me to fill in a review form chronicling how the month has been so far. I told her about my troubles with meditating and my anger issues. She suggested that I stop calling it ‘meditation’ and instead, label it ‘sitting’ time. I am to do it Mon – Fri in the most uncluttered space in my house for 20 minutes and see it through to the end no matter what.

As for the anger, Marion suggests that anger is often our unconscious mind’s way of letting us know that we are doing too many things we don’t want to do. Her advice is to take myself off (wherever possible) to a quiet spot when anger strikes. I must feel the full force of my rage and let it run its course. Then I need to take note of what triggered it and see if there are any themes.

This is not going to be easy as generally, anger seems to appear when I am in a hurry and my efforts to meet a deadline, get somewhere, catch a train etc are thwarted. For example, my daughter will be late back from school and I have to drop her at a dance class. As we head towards the front door at the speed of light, she will cry ‘I’ve lost my tap shoes’ or ‘I need to have a black dress for today’s class.’ Basically, at the last minute, she will remember some vital thing that has been forgotten even though I will have said 10 times over ‘Do you have EVERYTHING you need for the dance class?’

I have a pathological fear of lateness and am triggered by obstacles that get in the way of timeliness. I’m not quite sure what this all means, but no doubt I’ll find the answers as I ponder in my meditation spot, er I mean my sitting spot. Although I am not sure where this going to be as my carefully crafted meditation station is in the most cluttered room in the house. There is NO room in our house that is tidy that I can retreat to in the mornings without being disturbed. I either have to declutter or move out. I think it’s time to channel Marie Kondo again…


  1. I’m glad you’re sharing the things Marion’s telling you. Good food for thought.
    My life’s very different from yours in that I deliberately don’t sign up for anything if I can wangle out of it and don’t have kids at home anymore; I’m not busy, though my days are somehow full.
    My anger’s triggered by rudeness, inconsiderateness, disrespect.
    I’ll take Marion’s advice and go sit in a corner next time any of those come up.
    Thanks again.

    • She also told me that you can use anger to generate passion and creativity. Plus she said that the anger might actually be helping me to get clear on what my priorities are. I did try and tell the family that I want to be left along while meditating and that from now on, I am not their skivvy…let’s see how that goes!

      • And make sure to follow through! I told my husband long ago that I won’t do any of his laundry that isn’t in the hamper. If his socks are thrown on the floor, they stay there …

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