Sitting hell.

The daily meditation practice is not going well. Marion suggested I call it ‘sitting’ instead, but that’s not fooling my mind. The minute I set the timer, my thoughts are out of the traps and whizzing around my head like greyhounds on acid.

Did I pay the accountant? How many calories are there in a cheese sandwich? What shall I wear for tomorrow’s meeting? Did I spell that person’s name right? Why am I doing a spiritual mentoring course? How much Ready Brek is left? Did I see a spider in the corner earlier? Is it crawling up my leg right now?

On and on it goes. Marion said I should do 20 minutes a day as that should be enough to quieten my mind, but to be honest, I know from experience, it takes at least three hours to stop the incessant chatter in my head.

How do I know this? That’s what happened when I went on a day-long silent retreat. Initially, I thought I was heading for the nearest straitjacket, but three hours into the silence, I discovered inner bliss. That’s the thing. I know it is there, but the junk in my mind is getting in the way.

Of course, Marion can’t be doing with words like ‘can’t’ or ‘failure’. She says that meditation is like compound interest, the good is adding up and seeds are being sewn behind the scenes. I really wish I believed this.

Initially, I chose my office as a place to meditate even though it looks like a scene from an extreme hoarders TV show. Marion then suggested that I meditate in an uncluttered space because it will help to still the mind. Hmmmmm.

At the weekend, I decluttered the front room, but it just doesn’t feel right when it comes to meditating, er I mean sitting. It is cold and you can be seen from the street. I just can’t relax. Our bedroom is a peaceful space, but as my husband doesn’t leave for work until around 8.30am, it’s out of the running.

I realise these are not insurmountable problems. In fact, I have just ordered a bamboo screen, so that I can shield my little pocket of space in the office, from the ever growing tidal wave of crap.

The strange thing is, I have no difficulty when it comes to doing Marion’s conscious resting sessions. It is not meditation apparently. You lie down somewhere warm and comfortable and make it your intention to invite the higher power/universal energy or whatever you call it, to flow into your body and give you guidance and inspiration.  I never actually feel anything flowing into me, but I usually doze off and open my eyes feeling rested.

I haven’t done it today. I’ve been in a mad rush since 7am and couldn’t feel less spiritual if I tried. Still, I am off to see Russell Brand give a talk about heroes, guides and mentors tomorrow and if that doesn’t inspire me, nothing will.


Leave a Reply