After receiving my second monthly review form, which I have to admit, was somewhat negative, Marion instructed me to do Morning Pages every day. Yellow Pages I have heard of, but Morning Pages is new to me.

It is based on Julia Cameron’s ideas in her Artist’s Way, although I first came across the idea of stream of consciousness writing upon waking in the book Becoming A Writer by Dorothea Brande. I did it for about a week and to be honest, nothing much happened. The writerly genius I hoped to tap into did not emerge.

My initial response to Marion’s suggestion was to wail ‘What, another task?’ She’d already ask me to add holy time (an hour of mindfulness doing something like walking or cleaning) to the daily meditation and thrice weekly sessions of conscious resting. This spiritual lark is turning into a full time job. When am I supposed to get any proper work done?

Plus, I don’t like writing longhand AND I’ve tried this before and nothing happened. But I can stamp my feet all I like, I’ve signed up for this, so had better do what my spiritual mentor asks of me.

I wrote three pages of lined A4 this morning. It is supposed to take 30-minutes plus, but only took me 13-minutes and that’s not because I did it in big writing. I’ve always been a quick writer. It is for my eyes only. It was merely a rant about where I am right now. Tired, worried about my dad and wondering where I am going to find the time to get my work done. I didn’t even read it back, I stuck in the fireplace and watched it burn.

Morning Pages are supposed to clear your mind, but there was no miraculous ‘ta da’ moment for me. My mind does not feel clearer.  I don’t feel lighter, better or different, but who knows, the effects may be delayed.

Cameron says that when you do Morning Pages, you are writing down ‘cloud thoughts’ and becoming acquainted with the shadowy corners of your psyche. ‘You are meeting your shadow and taking it out for a cup of coffee,’ she says. ‘It makes you have more consciousness as you pass through your day.’ Let’s see what happens today.

After doing my Morning Pages, I meditated successfully. Yay! I found a 20-minute meditation on You Tube and it was rather good. Here’s the link.

I’m back at the hospital today, trying to find out why nobody seems to care that my dad has barely eaten a scrap of food in more than a week. He says he feels sick all the time, which must be awful. I cannot bear feeling sick for a second. I just wish there was something I could do to help.