Stepping outside

I’ve been trying to do the little mindfulness tip that I drew out of my One Year Mindfulness Challenge jar yesterday. The idea is that you become present every time you step outside. I love this idea, it’s just that I keep forgetting to do it. I’ll be half way down the street when it strikes me that I went through the door on autopilot again.

Still, the now never goes away, so really it is never too late. I had a 10-minute wait at the railway station this morning and stood there, eyes closed with the sun on my face, drinking in the gloriousness of the day.

I felt wonderfully calm, but now of course, the train has come to a halt because of a signal fault – this is the second time it has happened this week. I knew I should have driven. The car has various faults and is due to go to the garage on Thursday, but even so, an onboard computer having a nervous breakdown has got to be better than this.

I am meeting the head of OT to talk about Dad’s care package, so I really, really don’t want to be late. Things are going wrong with dad on a daily basis, so honestly, I could do without this. Can you hear me universe?

The good news is, I have several hours to myself today, plus a Rolfing session this afternoon. I had planned to stay over at Dad’s tonight, but as he is still in hospital, it looks as if I’ll make my Friday night ballet class. At least that gives me something to look forward to while this train is crawling along.

And I have my mentoring group meeting with my spiritual coach Marion tomorrow. It will give me a chance to vent my frustrations, enjoy a bit of nurturing and meditate somewhere I know I won’t be disturbed.

Although I struggle with the meditation, I can feel the benefits of it when it goes well, which happens about one time out of five. For this reason, I feel it is more than worth continuing with. The same cannot be said for the Morning Pages that Marion insists I do. I really loathe it. I am supposed to splurge my thoughts onto three pages in longhand and as I haven’t used a pen properly since about 1987, I find it really hard. I have started cheating. The pages started off as A4 and are now A5 and shrinking – I’ll be scribbling on the back of a postage stamp next. Thankfully, Marion doesn’t read this blog, so won’t find me out.

The one thing I really need to attend to are my limiting beliefs – the, ‘I am not good enough, I have no skills, I can’t earn a living, I am a shit mother, a shit…’ beliefs as they are really starting to bug me now.

I’m thinking about doing the Landmark Forum. I’ve been toying with it for years. A friend of mine really transformed her life during one of their three-day courses and others I have met speak highly of it. The cost is £580, but I reckon that if I get over my reluctance to charge properly for things I am good at just because they come easily to me, I’ll more than make it up.

The train is moving properly now. I’ve shared a laugh and a joke with a fellow passenger and Caffè Nero have provided me with a superb cappuccino. And the sun is still shining. Perhaps it’s going to be a good day after all…

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