Silently screaming

Marion’s gushing cheerfulness really grated on me last night during our monthly group mentoring call. There is nothing worse than sparkling optimism when you’re in the sewer.

I told her this. She always assures me that I can say what the hell I like as she won’t be offended – I have yet to really test this theory as I am not always 100% truthful in my dealings with her, it’s more like 75%.

During our call, she suggested that I am either purposefully holding onto my despair or resisting it. ‘What you resist, persist,’ she cooed.

My instinct was to scream ‘Fuck off! You have no idea how shit I feel – what kind of masochist would put themselves through this on purpose?’ I didn’t say that of course. I can’t remember what words tumbled out of my mouth, but it was watered down half-truths.

I don’t feel I have resisted whatever this darkness is. During my silent retreat on Monday, I lay on the bed and said to the creeping insidious gloom inside me ‘Come and get me. I’m not afraid. Do your worst’ but nothing much happening. I continued to feel like there was a gremlin crouching on my chest.

It’s as if there is a massive scream inside bursting to get out. I wonder if this is why it is always unbearably noisy whenever I try and meditate away from home. Is the universe urging me to let it all out whilst assuring me that nobody will hear my cries over the sound of the chimney sweep, leaf blower, blender, school disco or whatever else erupts whenever long buried emotions bubble up?

Yesterday, I felt okay with where I am at, stuck in my jar and hopefully making some invisible progress, but today, I am left wondering if I am really inflicting this on myself. I can’t even describe the feeling let alone work out why I would be hanging onto it. Or am I resisting it? I just don’t know any more.

There were moments during our call last night when I wanted to sign out such was my fury and ironically, thanks to a dodgy wi-fi signal, I was in fact booted off the call for a few seconds. Part of me is wondering if this spiritual path is really for me. Have I made a mistake? Should I give up? Can I hack this?

Another bit of me says I should keep on keeping on. I hope that I look back on this entry in months to come and smile knowingly at my confusion. I hope that I see it as part of the bigger picture and a very necessary stage of the journey. I hope.

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