Finding peace amongst the panic

It’s mindful Monday again. How did it come around so fast? I was running around in a mindless spin when my mentor Marion’s e-mail came in urging me to experience some present moment awareness. Whenever I think to myself ‘I haven’t got time for this!’ I know it is exactly what I need.

I have only managed a few seconds so far, when I was outdoors and enjoyed the feel of the sun on my face. The rest of the day has mostly passed in a blur.

I can feel myself being propelled by inner panic today. It started with a dream – I was at university signed onto the wrong course and I couldn’t get off it. Meanwhile, I was envious of all the students doing the exciting journalism degree. I woke up feeling anxious.

It’s a familiar, old feeling which has come to the surface because I’ve decided to make changes to my career. I want to do less PR and more paid writing work, which shouldn’t be too difficult. The trouble is, my ego thinks it will be nigh on impossible and is telling me that if I don’t get more PR clients, I’ll soon be working at a supermarket checkout.

There’s nothing wrong with working at a supermarket checkout of course, but the pay isn’t great and it’s not something I could do as a freelance. I turned my back on 9-5 working 25 years ago and I don’t want to go back unless I absolutely have to. It would really eat into ballet, dog walking and blogging time.

If I were to ask Marion for advice, she’d say I need to connect with Grace (her word for universal consciousness, God or the energy that created all that is) ask for well paid writing work and then sit back, wait for opportunities and take inspired action.

This is where I always trip up. The whole point of spirituality is to connect with this unseen force, but I struggle to put my faith and trust in it. I’ve read reams about manifesting and The Law of Attraction, but I’m still not 100% sure that there is anything in it. It doesn’t work for me, but I wonder if that’s because I just can’t get past my fear and doubt.

I am continuing to do my morning pages and meditating daily, but fear and doubt haven’t left my side. They stick to me like glue and the trouble is, you cannot take inspired action when your mind is full of dread.

I am not what they call ‘in the flow’ or ‘alignment.’ I can’t relax and let some invisible force deliver nice things to my door because I don’t really believe in it.

I did manifest a Marie Kondo trained decluttering consultant in January so in theory, I should be able to do the same with work and money.

I’ve been saying all the prayers in Tosha Silver’s It’s Not Your Money, but so far, I’m not hearing the divine kerching.

Be patient, be patient, be patient….is what I keep hearing in my head. That’s tough. I am such an impulsive, driven, busy sort of person. No wonder divine inspiration never manages to catch me.

In a bid to slow my mind down a bit, I’ve just taken a piece of paper out of my One Year of Mindfulness jar and it tells me to practice a week of secret kindness. Each day, I must do one act of kindness for somebody else, anonymously. I think I can manage that.

Kindness here I come…

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