Heart cracked open

I am still reeling from the aftermath of yesterday’s remote meditation session, where a man in another country, sent energy to my body. I feel as though after months of being blocked, my emotions are running freely. It literally feels as if my heart has been cracked open.

Strangely, during the session, which lasted about 15 minutes, I pictured my own heart, beating on a rock. There it was exposed. I wondered what on earth that meant at the time, but today, it all kind of makes sense. My heart is metaphorically out in the open and where once I thought it might be cold and stony, it really isn’t at all.

I had strange and vivid dreams last night. I pictured a friend I haven’t spoken to for months and today I feel compelled to call him – in fact, I will do just that when I have finished this post.

My emotions have also been buffeted by my dad’s latest predicament. My sister went down to take him to the podiatrist and now he is in hospital with a suspected blood clot. This illness is agony. Poor Dad, he is so stoic, but I can see from his pained expression that he’s really starting to hate this now. All I ask is that he be comfortable and free from pain.

I told my spiritual mentor Marion about my strange meditation experience and she announced that she once trained with a Shamen for six months and absolutely loved it. That woman is full of surprises!

My review form was sent back today. I had confessed in it that I find it hard to accept kindness, whereas giving it is easy. She explained that some of us put up a wall to avoid being seen as vulnerable. This will be dissolved by a steadier and stronger stream of inner stillness apparently. “And this is happening in you! I can see it and feel it and I know you can too,” wrote Marion. It’s true. I do.

There are times when I am so stressed over Dad’s illness, I feel as if my head is going to explode, but more often than not, if I close my eyes and relax, I can touch the inner stillness that I first discovered on a silent retreat. Sometimes it only lasts for a second or two, but it is so good to know it’s there.

Apparently, the best way to proceed down this frankly treacherous spiritual path, is to “Surrender without any trying or efforting – this is hard when you have always used your mind and energy to make things happen,” says Marion. True. I have terrible problems letting go, but last night, during my meditation session, I was so exhausted, the thinking bit of my brain shut down, which is why I think I had such a mind blowing experience.

My son of course, got wind of the fact that I was lying on the floor of my office, listening to music sent to me by a modern day Shamen somewhere in Europe and now he thinks I have well and truly lost the plot. Perhaps I have, but life is much more interesting on this crazy side of the fence!

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