My spiritual mentor Marion has asked me to write a letter to money whilst imagining it is my lover. This is not new to me. When I read Jen Sincero’s You Are A Badass books I wrote several letters to money. It never replied and my relationship with it remains strained. It’s been a while since we last spoke, but here’s what I have to say now –
I fucking love you! Sorry, I got carried away. Ahem. As I’ve said before, it’s wonderful when we get to hang out. When you are in my life, I feel lighter, happier, free, generous and powerful. If only it could always be that way. If only…
To be honest, I’m really pissed off with you right now. I hate the way you leave the house without warning and then don’t let me know when you’ll be back. I feel like you’re not respecting me. At all.
Writing this isn’t easy. I don’t like to admit how much I long for you, think about you and spend time plotting ways to attract you. You are my obsession. I am your stalker. God, you make me feel so dirty! I am ashamed of the way I feel about you, so much so, I can barely bring myself to talk about you in public.
I cannot call your name either. I have to wait for you to show up in my life whenever it suits you. I wish I had the courage to ask for you outright.
I try and tell myself that you don’t matter, that there is more to life than you money and that I’ll be okay without you, but it’s just so miserable when you’re not around. My life will never be what I want it to be without you. That’s the truth.
To be honest, this relationship isn’t working and it hasn’t done for a long time. Ever in fact. My longing for you is unrequited and that makes me feel like a loser. I love you money. Why can’t you feel the same way about me? Am I not pretty enough? Clever enough? Brave enough? Why don’t you love me?
Look, I’m just going to come right out and say it. I want you to move in. Permanently. Of course, I accept that you’ll want to go out from time to time, but I’d like it if I could trust you enough not to worry, to know that you will always come home. That you need me as much as I need you. And that we’ll grow old together.
What do you say we make up and have some fun? I’m ready if you are.
Honestly, if that were a letter to a lover, he’d have disappeared from town with no forwarding address after reading it. I sound so needy. Insecure. Unattractive. No wonder money would rather hang out with others than chill at my place.
But things have got to change. Money and I have a dysfunctional relationship and unless I do something drastic, there’ll be a messy divorce and neither or us want that. Do we money?