How to not feel a thing

I have a terrible fear of needles. It feels so deeply unnatural to stay still while somebody pierces the skin with a sharp piece of metal and just thinking about it makes my legs go weak.

My technique for dealing with this is to pinch myself hard as the needle approaches so that the pain I inflict distracts me from the prick. It works a treat.

Why am I telling you this? Because it struck me that I employ a similar technique to cope with the underlying current of anxiety that never leaves me. I only became aware of it since I started delving into my psyche with Marion’s help, but I believe it has always been there.

I didn’t notice it before thanks to some really effective distraction techniques. Anything that stimulates me does the trick from drama and sex through to food, TV and even gambling (low level gambling such as doing the lottery etc as I am quite risk averse. A good job or else I’d be broke).

Every soaring high and crashing low serves to mask the anxiety. I wonder if this is also why I watched so many horror films in my youth.

According to Brandon Bays who pioneered The Journey, the way to deal with anxiety is to allow yourself to feel it. I’ve been doing this in place of my daily meditation. I will sit, invite the anxiety in and allow it to intensify. You are supposed to fall into and then through it and out the other side, but I haven’t got that far – I submerge myself in it, come up for air in-between palpitations and then it fades off a bit as I go about my day.

My spiritual mentor Marion thinks I should give up caffeine and chocolate in an attempt to soothe myself as she thinks they over stimulate the nervous system. That doesn’t sound like a bag of laughs, but I can see it makes sense. I’m trying to limit myself to one coffee a day at the moment and plan switch to decaf tea.

I’ll start on Monday….I used to say this before every failed diet, but I will honest. I’m off to the seaside now and in my view, there’s nothing quite like a fully caffeinated brew while sat on warm pebbles watching the waves. It’s right up there with raspberry Magnums and chips.

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