Time spent meditating: 0

Trees hugged: 0

Negative thoughts: a trillion

The above was last week. The week before was pretty much the same. And the one before that. Yup, I have taken my foot off the pedal when it comes to this spiritual journey of mine. Not entirely, because that is impossible. Once you’ve started down this road you cannot stop, but in terms of really making an effort, I’m scoring worse than the Qatar team in the first round of the World Cup.

I promise that will be my only World Cup reference. I am not at all interested in it and my husband keeps trying to talk about football. Difficult as we share office space. Anyway, where was I? Yes, spiritual practice. I am turning over a new leaf. Again.

I’m re-reading Dr. Joe Dispenza having been inspired by a friend whose body had seized up and refused to play ball. It went on for many months and she didn’t even have the strength to dress. She was manipulated, massaged, and had her bones cracked by a team of physios and chiropractors and when the agony refused to let up, she binned them all. She had a feeling that she held the key to freeing her body and invested in a mind-altering course by Dr. Joe.

You can see where I am headed, can’t you? Now, she can wave her arms in the air, dance, walk for miles, etc and she looks amazing. Having healed herself with an online course, she booked onto a week-long Dr. Joe workshop in London this summer, where she watched people hobble in on crutches and walk out unaided.

I’ve seen this kind of thing so many times now, I don’t question it. Magic stuff happens. My own body is in good shape right now, but my mind needs work. A big client recently ended their contract with me and as I have been a freelancer for three decades, this is a common occurrence. Something always comes along to fill the gap, but it still throws me into a state of panic.

I’ve written before about how I live in fear of destitution, which is not at all rational because the figures show that unless I develop a compulsive gambling habit, that is very unlikely. I want things to be different this time. I want to enjoy stepping off the treadmill for a bit and relish the spare time and energy that this gives me. I want to see it as an opportunity, rather than a disaster.

Rationally, I know it is all good, yet my body is acting as if it’s about to be chucked off a skyscraper. Palpitations, unable to catch my breath plus a feeling that doom is lurking in the shadows waiting to gobble me up.

Surely a bit of meditating with Dr.Joe warbling in my ear will fix this? First thing I did when I woke up was plug myself into one of his morning meditations on YouTube. He asked me to imagine my life how I wanted it to be and to feel the emotions, to fool my body into thinking that it is really happening.

If you are familiar with this blog, you’ll know that I really struggle to master my emotions in this way. I sat there with my eyes closed, picturing my lovely, carefree life where I can work on my novel without feeling guilty because it’s not earning me anything and take time off to see friends in the middle of the day while income streams bloat my bank account. The panic did not subside. In fact, it grew.

I know that I can transcend the anxiety cycle because it happens to me on silent retreats. When I take myself off the merry-go-round and retreat into the stillness, my mind is malleable and I totally get what the likes of Dr.Joe and my mentor Marion are saying. On a day-to-day basis though, it feels like climbing a mountain. Wearing sliders.

Persistence is key. Today was my first try, so no need to curse myself for not doing it properly. I am going to do Dr. Joe’s morning meditations every day for a month. That’s the plan anyway. I will also be blogging more often. I’ve started up a Patreon page for anyone who would like to support me and hankers for extra content. I am going to be doing some vlogs, so you’ll get to meet the face behind the words and I’ll be interviewing some of the people who have inspired me for podcasts.

You can follow me HERE. And if there is anything you’d like me to provide on Patreon, let me know.

Until next time.

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